May 23 2012
Dear Miserable Looking, Apparently Homophobic Man In The Hallway at Work,
I have worked at the same facility for over two years. You have worked at this same facility for much longer. I realize this and I commend you on the fact that you have been able to spend a century or two doing the same thing in this whirling breeze of change in technology that has gripped the thirteen colonies and the other territories that just won’t go away. I get that they keep pushing your retirement age out another decade or two and I feel for you. It must be tough.
A fellow human being walked by you and cheerfully smiled as he said “Good morning”, like he does to everyone when he’s walking from point A to point B. The smile was genuine. One should always hope that a fellow human being is having a good day. Judging by the size of your jowls and the relocation of your travel path, it is apparent that you were not in the mood for such a happy greeting. This does not come as a total surprised for whenever I encounter you in the hallway you always relocate your travel path so that you are as far away from me as possible. If I were a betting man, I’d bet that if the water fountain could support your weight, your path of travel would include going over that water fountain so that you could get another inch or two away from me. It has been noted that you don’t approach everyone with such frivolity, only the one or two folks that don’t fit into a very narrow definition of normal. So, I’d like to share a little secret with you.
Even though I am a gay man, and even though I do enjoy the rugged, handsome attributes of the male species, I have no interest in you. None, whatsoever. I don’t want to get to know you better, I don’t even want to be on the same planet as you. But I was being friendly in a socially acceptable way and even a grunt and/or flap of the jowls would have been appreciated. And even though I am a gay man, I am still able to keep all of my sexual organs in my pants when the situation and/or social etiquette dictates that I do so. As a gay man, I am confident that my homosexuality is not contagious. You’re not going to become gay from walking in the same hallway as me and I can assure you that I have no interest whatsoever of playing “I’ll show you mine-you show me yours” with you. We have plenty of people on our team and we are not recruiting new members. If you’re not wired our way, we don’t want you to fake it. Faking your life is not the way to live.
So the next time I say “good morning”, and rest assured that I will continue to do so since you are a human and we both live on the same planet, make a little grunt of acknowledgment. Who knows, it might make your day a little brighter.